To: My Mother
I dreamt you ran away. You ran away from the world because it got hard and you got tired. You were so tired of being sick and being in hospitals, not able to live life like you do- free. I found you, easily it
seemed, in a small European village at a café. I was so mad and so disappointed. It made me cry. When I found you, I looked at you like you knew better, and I know you do because you taught me how to live, and how to fight, and when to fight, and when to walk away. This is another fight. I know it’s sooner than you expected but that’s life. Life is hard, and it’s difficult. That’s the point though. It’s a challenge.
And if you’re not up for it then you wouldn’t be here now, the way you are. Who you are. You are my Mother. You are a fighter and a Bitch. That’s part of me and you taught me that: to be proud of the
loud-mouth, talker who will put up a fight for anyone who won’t defend themselves or for what is right.
Follow your instincts. You don’t give up! Never give up! We. Never. Give. Up. That was our family motto, once upon a time. It’s the reason I stopped talking to my Father because he gave up on my Sister. It’s the reason I am still with my family. Yeah, life got hard but it’s worth fighting for, you keep fighting until you either got nothing left and break, die or hopefully find a successful compromise. I learned that from you, not Dad, especially not [Sister[ or[Brother]. YOU! My Mother. You are my best friend. It used to bother me that I was so much like you because I thought I was becoming you, taking over my life when I wanted to be me but long ago I realized that wasn’t true. As you said before, I’m an improved you. Now I am proud of you for who you are and have become; therefore, proud of myself that I have so much of you in me.
But….you did teach me when to give up and it’s now not now. Illness is something you deal with and fight. You do everything you can to heal, including pray. Sometimes all we need is faith and you taught
me that. Faith is such a powerful thing. It allows us to believe and hope even when there should be nothing left. You’re the one who taught me about giving up and accepting things are they are especially when you cannot control it. It can be–no, will be O.K. It always is. That’s the quirk about having Faith. Everything always becomes better in the end; at least for us it seems to be that way. Just give it time, have patience, and have faith. It’s the knowing, the belief that I know eventually my Siblings will be better, they will get the help they need and move out of your house as they are meant to be. And you, Mama, will get better; you will heal as you should. You will fight this illness, no matter how tired you are, no matter how much you think about giving up- DON’T! You will live happily as you should. God will it. I don’t believe this is your end. I don’t believe an illness is meant to end you, Mama. You don’t deserve to leave the World this way. I am so sure you came in fighting and telling everyone your opinion, and I’m so sure you will go out the same way. Remember, like you taught me, life is a challenge. It’s meant to be difficult. There will be tests and difficulties throughout life. This is one of yours and you must face it. Courage is being afraid and still facing the problem.
In my dream I remember when I found you, you were crying because of how much pain you were in and ever so lonely. You didn’t want to be around people because you couldn’t live life as you did before.
And it wasn’t due to ageing, but the illness that brought weakened and hurt you so. It pained me to see you that way but I stayed by you. I hugged you and held you until we were both done crying. We walked and talked through the streets of this little village. It was beautiful but not as much as you seemed to be once you found some strength of will. It seemed to bring you peace. The Mother I know and love came back to me. I told you about everything you’ve ever taught me or allowed me to realize that has helped me in this World. How brave you have allowed me to become knowing that you’re there beside me, backing me up whether I’m right or wrong, or knowing that you’re there and don’t judge me when I talk to you or ask for help even when it’s my fault. You offer assistance even if I don’t ask for it. It helps me to be strong and confident because I know that my Mother will back me up, be there for me whether I need it or not, and is proud of me for who I am. You may not have liked how I’ve come to where I am now but you do know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without it and your support….and your love.
You’re my Mother. I know no one who is stronger or more of a fighter than you.
Please don’t give up now. I know you can do this…again. I love you.