Posted in Faith (Bahá'i), Family

I feel scared…

I feel scared. I know that death is normal, natural even. It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m 25. My Mother should be alive another 20 years or so from now before passing.

The Big C. She has 4 months, if nothing’s done.

That’s February 2012 Questions, so many questions:

  • Will the Chemo be effective (as in eradicate it)?
  • Will it actually extend her life (if it’s not)?
  • What are the side effects?
  • Are there other options?
  • Where do we go?
  • Does insurance cover the other options? Is it worth it?

I just want her happy…and alive for me. Every time I think of her gone I think of what, selfishly, my family will miss from her. I’m not my Mother. She has helped, strongly, make me into who I am today, but is that enough of a legacy?

I’m scared of what will be left behind. I’m scared there will be very little and just broken pieces of a memory that won’t be enough. I guess, selfishly, it’s never enough when they’re gone. I’ve lost friends and even a grandmother that I was never close to but always wanted to be. I always wanted to know and understand more of my heritage directly from my family and even that I haven’t been able to sit down to talk about. It’s difficult living hours away which is an improvement compared to last year when it was a couple thousand miles. It’s not easier.

I’m scared that my Siblings and I will never reconcile no matter how much I may try in the future- well, maybe my Brother and I. My Sister and I seem to just combat so easily and willingly. I don’t know if we’re too much alike, or too different, or what? I don’t know. I wish I did. I want them here with me in this time of, for a lack of better wording, Great Need, at least for me and Mom and [my Stepdad].

When it gets quiet all I think about it what it will be like when she’s gone and I can never speak to her again- at least not directly. What it will mean for [my son] to never actually know this person who has
made such a great impact on my life and my husband’s life. She has touched so many people that I didn’t realize until I finally joined one of the women’s groups she’s on too. It’s so wonderful to have them. I barely know them but it’s great that they already care about me so much and trying to so hard just to let me know that they’re there for me. I don’t think words can speak as to how grateful I am, especially from my Mother-in-law. I know that she lost her Mother too but it was when she was much older. She lost her to COPD which is harsh in and of itself but at least age-wise it was somewhat expected. Difficult? Yes. Harsh? Yes. There was more going on emotionally. I was pregnant than and we never got to tell her. My husband was so infuriated with his parents for that. When he told me, I told him, “Well, she knows now.” It is still a regrettable thing to speak of when it does get mentioned but it’s not my regret. It was his parent’s choice not to tell his Mother’s parents. We, at least, got to tell is Grandfather directly which was very moving (to tears) and wonderful reaction. It’s sad how it happened but I know she’s happier and at peace.

I know my Mother will have wonderful people to greet her when it’s her time to go into the Abha Kingdom (Heaven). I haven’t thought of calling Heaven that until recently- it’s what it is. I’ve been trying to get
back in touch with my Faith. I think really just need to have Faith. It’s difficult for me. I know God is there and watches me and tests me and my family. I know that there are Guardian Angels and others watching us to aid us and guide us through this life. I know it. I’ve had enough experiences to know that. I have the same problem as John Constantine, hehe. He knew God was there but didn’t have Faith in God. Having Faith is difficult for some reason. I cannot find a definition as to what Faith means, easily, religiously. I wish I could.

I want to get a Tattoo in memory of my mother to show how strong, intelligent, experienced and wise she is (was). Just haven’t found it yet. I keep repeating the Serenity prayer to myself when it comes to
my Mom. I don’t know what else to do besides pray to help with the pain that I’m going to lose her. I keep coming back to a promise I made her make when I was little saying she had to be around to see me have 3 children. I only have 1. It’s a silly promise but it hurts a little to know that she might break it and will not be her choice.

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