Posted in Family, Writing

A Letter to my Mother (that she never got)

Hi Mom,

I thought I’d try writing you since, after this weekend with no response from you from any call, I might get better luck of a response or at least making sure you know I care. I get easily irritated that you don’t pick up. I know you don’t have much energy right now and you can’t eat which you’re probably envious of those who can right now. I would be. I mean even to taste the food isn’t very pleasant for you right now. I wish I could do something to make that easier for you.

I just want to talk to you. I feel like you just don’t care, at least right now. I know everything is scary and, probably, disappointing for you. I know how that feels but I think it would be good for you to talk to people. Do you even talk to [Stepdad]? I mean, Mom, you watch TV without volume, at least that’s what you told me before you got your Synthroid. What’s with that? I’m assuming it’s too stimulating right now and tires you out easily; that’s why I recommended the audio books. Audio books are better for your brain than TV. It can also help keep you focused and interested when you get to parts of the story you like.

I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could just move down there for a while and try to help any way I can or at least spend time with you but I have a job and a family that need me too. I really love this job. It’s awesome! I mainly work at a desk but if I want to get up and walk around to do Warehouse stuff, I can! There’s always something I can help with. I just wish I could get hired. I mean the girl who had been here since April of last year I’m pretty sure just got hired within the last few weeks. I remember when I get here in September she’d filled her Temp Timesheets too. Now she completes Logista ones. I hope I’m next. I mainly just want medical benefits….and PTO would be nice. It’d be nice to have the pay raise but I don’t see the pay raise happening in this economy, let alone this part of the Country. That’s ok. I’m really enjoying what I’m doing, more so than when I was at IRBsearch.

I realized that I really cannot empathize mainly cause I’ve never been in your shoes in this manner. I have no idea what’s going on in your head and it seems that you don’t want me to know. I know I’m your daughter and, I’d assume, the closest to you of your children. I feel like if I knew I’d feel better about the whole situation and maybe you would too because maybe you’re being realistic and seeing where this situation will probably take you. It’s scary because, well, you could be dead next year which changes everything for everyone whose life you’ve never touched. It means you’d be done with the life and on to the next journey. It doesn’t scare me though. I’ll be sad. I think we’ll all be sad for a very long time with you gone. I know you’ll be watching over us though. You’ll be with your family and uncle Mark. It makes me smile to think of that. It’ll be interesting to see how the Abha Kingdom is for you. I wish you would talk to [G]. The story of her Father’s passing really changed my perspective and helped me a lot. I wish you would at least get online or call the SisterNest or Baha’i Women. I know they’d love to know more about how you’re doing, what’s going on and so forth. I think you’d probably feel better. They have been such a great help and support for me that I think they’ll be the same for you. I’m sure it’s tiring for you though. I know it’ll take a long time for you to get anywhere near your energy level before, maybe longer with the Chemo. That’s okay.

Just take it one day at a time. It’s all you can do. I just want you happy and pain free as much as possible. I wish I knew how to help that. I know that with [Sister] and [Brother] on their own; it will be helpful but necessarily better. They are your adult children, and it can be difficult at times wondering if you are doing right by them. They aren’t helping you though in any manner. It’s not helpful with [Uncle] feeling the exact opposite of what you’re doing but he’s allowed to. He hasn’t been here or seen the whole situation at face value with them and you. I’m sorry I haven’t been there as much as I wanted to be. I’m glad we’re back in Mississippi.  I’ve missed it here. I’ve missed being near you. It feels good to know I’m only hours away instead of a flight or several days drive.

Last year when everything happened to you, I felt so distant until the night of your surgery when you had [Sister] and [Brother] with you in the hotel with us all talking on the phone. It’s hard being a grown up. The things you have to face even though all you want to do is run away and put your fingers in your ears. I’ve learned that it’s better to face them, head on because ignoring them, [Stepdad] really speaking, won’t make them go away. It won’t stop the pain or whatever it is we’re feeling. We need to be brave and face them, no matter how much they suck. It pays in the long run though.

[Husband]kept holding information back from me about you until I started yelling then continued at him for doing that. He finally told me everything and it felt better. The more I know the better I feel even if it’s really bad. I’d rather face this situation head-on and expect the worse but hope for the best; can’t ever be really disappointed. 😀 Holding things back from you seems to hurt, emotionally. I view you as my best friend. It took me a long time to realize that. I think becoming a Mother made me realize a lot and how things can get the way they are easily. Having a child, let alone I’d think raising three, is tiring! Though the last few months with [son] has been awesome! I don’t know how else to describe it. He’s talking and understanding so much more right now. It’s just amazing. You can see the sudden change, nearly over night with him.

The only issue he’s having right now is severe diaper rash. I’m not sure what he’s eaten but if it doesn’t clear up soon I’m going to the doctor with him and getting them to write a note stating I get to bring him his good to prevent further acid/allergy issues. sighs There’s always something. That’s okay though. I’ve been treating his diaper rash with lidocaine and diaper rash cream 40% zinc oxide. Seems to be working so far, I hope it stays that way.

I was talking with [Mother-in-Law] about the Holidays. I realized that I need to coordinate with everyone on what we’re getting [son] for his Birthday/Christmas. I know that we’re getting him a Tricycle and want to get him another big toy but after that not sure. I want to get him the Elmo potty that has the seat converter for normal toilets. I haven’t gotten around to discussing with [Husband] but will probably talk about it tonight. We need to buy them soon. Probably still them in the Avalon’s trunk or upstairs so [son] won’t have access to them. Did you have any ideas what to get [son] for his birthday?

Switching topics here, I did realize the other day( a while ago) when I was talking to you, I think around noon, that you seemed almost tired just from talking to me. I’d like you know it’s okay to tell me that you’re very tired and trying to conserve your energy. I can talk to you later. It’s just I want to talk to you at least once a day so I know how you’re doing and making it available that if you need me, I’m here for you. I’m sure there’s a lot going on in your head that you’re not sharing and you’re allowed that. You, also my Mom, which I’m sure has to do with the not sharing part too. I just wish you’d share a little more. It’s difficult to let your emotions show and allow your vulnerable side to show. I know. I still have that problem with [Husband]. It’s all about trust and sadly we all end up hurting each other whether we mean to or not. I try very hard to be patient and understanding. It can be extremely difficult at times for me especially when [son] is being extremely uncooperative that day, like yesterday afternoon when I was trying to fold clothes.

Well, I think you get the point of all of this extremely long, large font letter to my Mother. I love you.

Your Youngest Daughter,

Laili

 

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