Sometimes I wonder if it’s easier for a person to be dying than the person who will live after that death? My Mom is a 3 time cancer survivor. She is strong, out-spoken, and opinionated, loves to talk and tell story, and, of course, sometimes can be an outright Bitch. I’m proud of her. She’s my Mom and she’s
trying the best she can right now under these dread filled circumstances.
On Saturday, I awoke from a nap due to my Son wanting to go downstairs where Meme was. I had grumbled and rolled over where I proceeded to cry. My son didn’t realize this and tried to wake me up.
I had sat up and moved to the end of the bed still crying, uncontrollably crying. It was amazing! When the wave ended, I moved the floor wanting to unlock the door and call for his Meme [Mother-in-law] to come get him. The moment I stood up another wave of uncontrollable crying hit me and I couldn’t stop it. I just rode it out. It was amazing. I had dreamt of the last time I get to see my Mother. The knowledge had come to me suddenly and I said it allowed then jumped on her wrapping my arms and legs around
her uncontrollably crying in my dream too. When the wave ended, I did as I wanted. My Mother-in-law came up the stairs. I sat back on the bed causing another wave to wash through me. She kept asking what was wrong then, it seemed, practically ran to my bedside and held me. It was such a great hug. It was exactly what I needed. I couldn’t stop and tell her about the dream and the shock and sadness I felt over it. I know it was a dream but I ached. My heart was broken and it was so terrible that I woke up still wanting to cry. When I finally was able to mumble it out through tears and mucus, she rubbed my back and told me it was alright. It did help. Never understood why those words helped. I explained my plan to ask her to get my son, so I could go downstairs to get my phone and call her. She asked me if I wanted my phone, when I confirmed it, she sprung from the bed and quickly flew down the stairs like a master fighter, light, knowing, confident and calm throughout all the chaos. I felt so bad for my son who had been sitting on the pillows the entire time with this look of confusion and, seemed like, shock on his face. I had finally calmed down and she gave me my phone as well as a hand towel to wipe my face. I thanked her. I don’t remember much of the conversation after that. She took my son downstairs with her. I sat on the bed for what seemed a long time but merely minutes. I went to the bathroom and phoned my mother where I told her the dream. She didn’t seem to care.
At least that was the tone in her voice. I know she didn’t mean to seem that way. She talked about heaven and what she would be doing there even though she wouldn’t physically be here anymore. I
didn’t get the concern and compassion I wanted. I don’t think she had any left with what little energy she does have.
I hope she passes in her sleep. I don’t want her to be in pain when she dies.
The conversation ended and I called my husband unsuccessfully then texted him “I need you to call me.” I knew he was out with his father playing golf but I know he knew what that meant. He called and I answered with a sniffling, quiet “Hi.” He asked me what was wrong. I first explained that nothing really bad to do with my Mom so he needn’t worry about that. I told him of the dream. First he asked if I
called my mom which I told him I did. He said see, it’s okay. I shook my head and sighed into the phone. I was trying not to cry. I felt bad. I felt like it was embarrassing and that I wasn’t getting the full support
I wanted. I felt like I’d been through a terrible ordeal and just wanted compassion and sympathy or empathy but not pity. My husband understood and I asked when he’d be back knowing his Grandfather
would be over any minute. When he had said it would be a while, I heard the doorbell ring and the dogs barking. I let him know, saying goodbye and I love you which he reciprocated. I proceeded to call a good family friend, G on various numbers finally leaving a long voicemail, unintentionally, and told her of the dream and how I felt. I knew she’d call me back, probably, the following week which would allow me some time to think of it. I felt better after that voicemail.
I sat there on the bathtub edge trying to figure out what to do. I wanted to take a shower but didn’t think it’d be appropriate with my son downstairs and his grandparents too, and my upstairs. I was glad
I had the dream but it was so draining emotionally. I rinsed my face, cooled off, combed my hair then headed into the bedroom and got dressed. I headed downstairs hoping it would be enjoyable but doubt
it would. My husband’s grandfather has some misgivings about me religiously which he seemed to bring up as much as he could. He did not like Jews of any kind and when we had minor discussion religious
previously a few years ago, I was in my valley of Search trying to make sure I knew what I believed and why I believed it- at the time claiming to be a Jew. Now, I know and am confident in my beliefs as a Baha’i and that’s enough for me but never brought it up with him as I rarely saw the man for more than a few minutes or maybe an hour at a time. But all of that is for another time.