Posted in Family, Life

Why

I thought you deserved to know why. After the first month of my Mom’s death, I was starting to be able to ignore the heart break and reminders. My phone glitched and the phone reminders to call her came back. It was soo hard!

This has been a physically rough week !t work for me, and I wanted understanding but didn’t know how to tell you. I felt stupid, shallow and…selfish so I didn’t say anything. When you told me you lost the fellowship, I knew it’d be a rough next week which I hoped the weekend would be a helpful preparation for. I’m not sure.

It’s not your fault though was the final straw. I know even if I say you’re not to blame, you’ll do it anyway.

It is not your fault. It is my choice. It is always my choice.

We’ve been together since, well, since the first time we had lunch at Sakura’s in Hattiesburg. I realized I loved you after the third day of knowing you. I have never doubted that we belong together. I just don’t know if i’m strong enough…for this, my life.

I know we choose to be here and in the Baha’i writings, or so i’ve been told, this is the hardest time in Humanity’s existence. I realized today my Mom’s death allowed me to feel faith again. It’s nice but not motivating. I feel responsible for you not getting the fellowship. I didn’t pray, not once, for you to get it and it seems like every time I have you got it.

I know i’m depressed but I don’t think I can wait until February 17th to see a psychologist.

I didn’t shoot myself in the face, even though it’s a guarantee, because, after seeing my Mom’s funeral and our discussion, it’s good to have that closure. I want people to have that even if I didn’t allow myself that solace.

I love you. I do. I love Donnie so much. I hate that I let you name him that but I was gonna demand, if we ever had another son, to name him Henry after one of my great relatives so I got over it.

I know i’m causing myself to be further away from God, and in a way, from you…and Donnie. I know you’ll hate me and probably want to do the same but you cannot, for our son, Donnie.

I did it outside to prevent you from cleaning the mess up. I know you’ll find it terrible, awful, heartbreaking and embarrassing due to the publicity and manner this was done in. It’s not your fault. I just don’t see another way. I wish I could.

I do request to have a Baha’i funeral if allowed. Linda Beasley probably has the needed ring but it’s ok if it cannot be gotten. Last minute makes things difficult and that’s my fault.

I don’t know what else to say. I love you. I apologise for the unnecessary pain but it seems I mostly just hurt you anyway. Be happy, I can’t do that anymore.

I want you to find someone who can love you and treat you and Donnie better than I ever could. Please tell him of only the good and that I did try even if it wasn’t usually evident. Tell your Mom thank you for all she ever did for me especially with my Mom. I don’t know if I could ever repay your parents, your Mom especially, but it means soo much.

I should say something about my Siblings and Stepdad. I don’t know what to say about my Siblings, too much conflict.

As for Stepdad, tell him I have never seen my Mother happier than with him. Tell him that I always regretted not trying harder to be his friend and being able to talk to him freely.

Also you’re awesome in bed. You’ve also become a very giving partner.

Thought I’d just let you know.

Thank you for allowing me in your life and all the good and bad times. I pray you have more good times.

Goodbye.

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