I was thinking last night. I miss you, admittedly, mainly at night. I miss talking to you after our son goes to sleep or while I’m doing your feet. Being able to cuddle or hold your hand. I don’t understand why holding hands seems so important to me but it is. I think of Mom too in that regard.
I was thinking about Mom last night. It’s first time I really thought about everything that happened that day on December 6th. I remember walking in that room and realized it was a body. I had to remind myself it was her body but she wasn’t there or at least not attached to it. She was there in the room but her soul was detaching itself. I remember holding her hand as she laid all hooked up to those machines and tubes thinking ‘just go Mom. It’s ok. We’ll be fine. Just go.’ I was so tired of watching this wonderful, brilliant woman’s body fade away while her strong mind stayed, limited. She was so tired all the time and hardly able to do the things she loved. I knew she was going to die from it. I think I may have, somewhere, always known but hoped she wouldn’t.
She was my best friend. She had all these qualities I wanted in myself: inner strength, a purpose, capacity to live life well and enjoy it most of the time, always had a story to tell, always seemed she had a smile on her face and a hug to always give. I’m sure much was developed through experience but it was nice to see and hear.
Sometime when I miss her, it just hurts inside and missing you, which isn’t so bad…still I miss you. I miss you being there. I think my Mom’s passing has made me appreciate smaller aspects of our relationship that i may have taken for granted. I’m sorry I do that.
It’s nice being grown up and on my own for a bit but I don’t ever want to actually live on my own. I like having someone to take care of, to be with and just spend time around.
I love you. I’m going back to work. No, I’m not truly sad, just thoughtful. 🙂