Posted in Family, Poems

(Haunted) I never knew

I never knew I never had a broken heart until I lost you
Every reminder would break and squeeze and tear inside
At first it was so overwhelming, I died a little with each passing there
Sometimes when I miss you I cannot breathe, I cannot laugh, I cannot smile since you’ve been gone
I never knew how much I’d miss the little things about you
Your gapped tooth smile, your smell always like Red door even after you stopped wearing it, and your dry, soft skin that would slightly crinkle every time I’d hold your hand
Sometimes when I miss you I just sob torrential rain, I shake from rattling thunder and moan like hurricane winds
I never knew I could miss you so much I’d want to die just to be with you
I now know why they commit suicide, they cannot believe any other choice, just that life is better without them here
I remember planning to walk out to that field, aim that shotgun at my chest and pull the trigger allowing birdshot to shred everything in its path
I still am not sure why I didn’t
I collapsed to the living room floor and begged of the darkness, “Help me!”
And, somehow, I think you did.
I never knew true loss before now
Sometimes when I miss you I don’t think I’ll survive the sadness then it passes and I’m still here
It’ll never be ok that you’re gone but I know it will get better.

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