Been a long while, it seems. Things have been well. The only issue with the Zoloft are the anxiety attacks which seem more like my grief finally coming out so not sure if they’re related to the Zoloft at all.
I have moments where, when I think about her, it’s just sudden, irrational, overwhelming sadness that I’m about to drown in.
Then there are moments where I can completely appreciate everything about her, her wonderful traits and her faults. All she taught me. All I understand about her and in the future, the more I know I will as I get older.
Everyone wishes they had more time with the ones they lost. It’s a little funny because in a way, I’ve had so much more time with my Mother than most people I know. She became my best friend. I still, once in a long while, spend time with my Mother. I still get to see her wonderful smile and laugh. I still get to ask her how she’s doing and get to hug her.
I, however, do know that they’re just dreams. They’re not necessarily lies but not what I live when I wake up. Sometimes I don’t want to wake up but I wouldn’t be living if I didn’t. I don’t want to live a lie no matter how much tempting it is.