Posted in Family, Life, Writing

A Tragedy, pt. 2 (written 5/9/12)

I wish he hadn’t had an open casket but Hubby explained later how it helps makes your passing real to others. It’s true, it did the same for me. I’m glad he did the traditional ceremony even though we’re not required in the USA. I just wish he had gotten you wrapped head to toe and leave your face uncovered instead. He did sai you and him talked a lot about about it. About you researching the proper funeral and such. I did the same too.

Your body creeps me out. I agree with Glory, it’s not you. It’s a piece of meat. It looks like you but it’s not You. That was my thought when I first saw you in the hospital that morning. It wasn’t you. I could feel you. You were gone though and they kept your body alive. I’m glad you’re dead. It was awful to watch your body wither away, destroyed by cancer while your mind stayed strong and brilliant. I just, like I’m sure anyone else, want one last conversation with you, one more hug, one more time to hold your hand and walk with you, one last garage saling morning. I miss you. You’re my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I can’t go walk the Square again, walk Downtown on Main Street with you and try that gourmet store’s meals with you like I wanted to. You’re going to miss my other children. You’re going to miss my graduation from college. You’re not going to be there when I need you. When I need that person who’s known me my whole life and knows me better than anyone else it seems. You’re gone. You’re gone. You’re gone.

I realize I’ve never a broken heart until you died. Not even when Dad left, not even then.

It’s so hard, too much. I don’t understand why I don’t feel anything. As much as I’m glad you’re gone and at peace, I don’t understand why I feel like this. I wish you were here to help me through this. I know you’d make me understand this, maybe even tell me about your Mother’s death. I never wondered until now about it. What was it like? Did you have a normal Jewish funeral? Did you sit shiva? Did you do the Baha’i prayer for the Dead later? I don’t know why I want to know now.

I hope Dad knows. You two were married for 19 years. I’m sure he does.

I wish you were here. I understand it’s all selfish. A funeral and grieving is for the living, not the dead. I want to run away and pretend you’re still here but it’d be a lie. I wish I hadn’t moved away from you. I wish….shoulda, coulda, woulda, can’t change the past. Can only learn and do better in the future. Aside from my times tables, Dad was the one who taught me it’s ok to make mistakes. As long as we learn from them, it’s ok.

It’s so odd. I want to call your cellphone and leave you message after message in hope it’s a lie but I know it’s not. Why?! I know it’s all true yet I still hope in disbelief. It’s so confusing. I knew this would kill you. I knew when you had the hernia surgery and things were found. I knew you’d be dead by 2012. I don’t know how I knew. I knew Thanksgiving would be the last time I would see you but only after the fact. Such an awful but truthful, trusting dream. You gave me no sympathy when I called, just your shitty attempt to console me of your impending death. You knew you were going to die and yet you didn’t tell me. It is good to know you’re going to be in the Next World watching, guiding and able to talk to me but it’s not the same. It never will be here.

Do you realize you broke your promise? Do you? Do you realize you broke your promise to me you made years ago when I was a little girl? You promised to be here to see all 3 of the grandchildren I planned to give you and you had to be here long enough for them to remember you. You broke your promise. Does that even bother you? Do you even care? You left. You could have waited until at least the next year. You could have tried to let the chemo to work but no, you died. You died! How could you just up and die? You’re my Mother. My Mommy! You’re my best friend and you left me as if you had no choice! There is always a choice! You taught me that. Why can’t you stay? Why couldn’t you be stronger? You were the strongest person I have ever known. You have gone through so much and you just gave up. You weren’t even realistic in your words about your health. You just avoided. Queen of Denial, just like when I was a kid. You avoided the conversation. We never had a conversation, a serious one-on-one conversation about, well, everything. You, you, you just *sighs*

Why now? Why does it seem I’m repeating your life but “improved?” You always said I was the improved version of you with a nose job. Ah, Lola’s nose. Hmm. I miss your stories. I can’t remember them all. I need to be able to tell my children about your life. Your stories, your life has guided me so much. I am nothing without you. Why did you leave? Why am I so lost without you? Why am I not me without you?

I’m tired. I’m heartbroken. I would never wish this on anyone, not even my enemies. I never want this.

I’m just a Broken Heart.

I never had a broken heart until I lost you.



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