If tomorrow never comes, I will rejoyce.
I want the World to stop, to pause at 11:59:59pm.
I will never be the same after tomorrow.
I will live the unadulterate, stark nekkid truth.
May tomorrow never come.
May I be forced to relive today over and over and over again.
May the reminder never happen.
The knowledge she is gone differs somehow.
The sight of her corpse in that coffin, even now I can recall it easily, is still in disbelief..?
Why must I experience this?
Why must I break down, feeling my heart break thousands of times?
Being forced to say goodbye so many times, every single time?
Why must I become numb to get through the day?
I just don’t understand.
I don’t want tomorrow to come.
I don’t want more epiphanies and truths to become known to me of myself, of my beliefs, of my understands and perceptions.
I want none of it.
I want peace.
I want rest.
I want happiness and joy, true happiness and joy.
I want acceptance and forgiveness, the ability to give forgiveness and to move on.
I won’t be able to call her.
I won’t hear her chuckle and smile as she speaks after I sing her Happy Birthday.
She will never call me again to sing me Happy Birthday.
Why did I just now realize this?
Why is it so hard? Like the first time?
It’s difficult to breathe, my chest so tight, my heart beating fast.
Forcing a deep breath, again.
And again, it becomes easier now.
I don’t want this.
Why must I say goodbye to her earthly, physical concept?
How is that difficult to accept?
I don’t understand.
Why can’t I understand?