Posted in Life, napowrimo, Poems, Writing

Lost in a World (all my own)

Warning: This poem contains vulgar language/curse words. Thank you.

 

shut up

and leave me alone
shut up
and leave me alone
damn it!
shut the fuck up
and leave me the fuck alone

I'm lost in a world all my own
lost in the swirls of my hidden anger
all I want to do is scream, yell and hit
whether it be me or someone else
I don't know

I want to be normal
but original
I want to be accepted
instead of an outcast
I want to be left alone
but not
I want to be liked
instead of annoyed
I want to be appreciated
rather than picked on
I want to be me
than be what people wish me to be

I'm lost in a world all my own
one I created so I could hide
one where it doesn't matter what I do
doesn't matter what I say
or how I act
they understand
they see
and there's not need for violence
even though I am

Sometimes I want to scream at people
Somedays I want to hit them
I want to throw them against the concrete and see their blood stain
the ground
Sometimes I want to do it all
No
Sometimes I want to just yell at them
I want them to hear me instead of my tones and intensities
I want them to see me instead of my reactions
I want them to look at me and see I am trying to be who I am
than some piece of fakeness like them
I know I can be wrong
I know I can be bad and harmful
everyone is
we make choices that tell us who we are
mistakes we learn from
Sometimes I want to disappear
but be able to see how everyone reacts
to be know whether or not they care
whether or not I truly matter
If they miss me because I'm not there for them to annoy
but miss me because they care

[sighs]

I'm lost in this protective shell that I created
none can get past it unless I want them to
I try to be open and caring
most of the time I am
but the few times I'm not
I see that person and revolt
I don't like to not care
I want to care
I do care and show it
but I don't want to be easy prey
"Victim here! Victim here" is what I should cry out instead of fight
that's what I am most of the time
the used and abused
the submissive and easily betrayed
I trust to easily and I know it
but there are only two things constant in life that I've learned:
change
and death

Originally written 24 Oct 2003
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