I had a rough day. Apparently, my allergies got the best of me despite Claritin and Flonase. Been using my albuterol inhaler in conjunction with my Adderal. This all, along with a lack of sleep due to my son’s 4-hour growing pain episode, made me miserable today. To add and show it is truly Murphy’s Law, Hubby is out of town at a conference. I went to the doctor and agreed to a steroid shot that did not agree with me at first. It wasn’t until 3-4 hours later, I believe, that I began to feel better. I had to get a ride home and help getting my things from my office. I could barely walk, kept tripping over my own feet! I even had to ask a friend to go pick up my son from school.
I learned a lot today about myself. I learned even more about the relationship between my Husband and me. The easiest way that I can explain these personal realizations and findings is what I told my Husband:
I learned today how lucky I am to have you and how dedicated you are to us. I learned what it was like to not have you. As helpful, dedicated, and trusting as all my friends and co-workers are and I am immensely thankful they are, they are not a replacement for you. No, can replace you. I am so sorry that I frequently take you and all you do for us for granted. I don’t know how not to but I will figure out how [to] recognize [when] I am and stop it.
I was really scared today. I have very little experience with asthma or similar symptoms, which is why I went in. At one point after the [steroid shot], I seriously think I would have agreed to just about anything anyone said and done it without a second thought. I didn’t…I don’t know how to say it. You are my eyes, my ears, and my voice when I don’t have one. You understand so much more about all that stuff than I do despite my experience.
I am sorry that I tend to act like a hypochondriac. Ever since Mom died (before that actually), I have been so terrified that I will die like her; suffer like her and you’ll be there by my side as m caretaker watching my body whither as it is eaten or destroyed by cancer or some other illness like that even though my mind will be still intact.
She couldn’t eat food or drink water all because of the cancer! I don’t understand how she kept going. I really don’t!
It just terrifies me that I may have to experience it or God forbid, the role is reversed where I am your caretaker and you go through that….
I am a hypochondriac in a sense because I know prevention and early detection is better. It can save lives and extend them.
I am sorry that has become a part of me, this fear, and that in many ways, messes with my life [, our life].
I felt, Readers, I needed to write it down. I needed to be able to return to these words and reread them over and over and over again. I need to return and reread them to allow me to remember this later. These words will make sure that I keep my promise to not take him for granted. I know it will be difficult but I think it can be an attainable goal, or at least less often.
Thank you for reading this. I appreciate your loyalty and dedication to reading this blog. I hope my honesty and perspective of the world helps you all in some way…even if just entertainment and killing time. I ask to please be respectful of all posts and those who comment. I look forward to any comments that you have. I hope you have a wonderful night and wonderful, good dreams.