Posted in Depression and Anxiety, Family, Health and Wellness, Life

Sadness, grief, reminisce

Dearest,

Why is when I am sad, i want to be alone?! I don’t understand why I feel the need to be sad alone. I want to hide myself in the dark and cry or grieve.

I think I feel ashamed that I am upset/grieving. My Mother would not want me to but would be understanding. Thanksgiving has become a difficult holiday for me; it was the last time I saw her, touched her, or hugged her before she died.

I want her to hold me and comfort me.

I want to lay in her bed with her and just talk and somewhere in there fall asleep next to her.

I want her to read stories to my son and me. I want to hear all those wonderful characters and enthusiasm she had when reading aloud. I want to see her face light up as she watches him listen to her. She loved him. She loved him more than I can say.

When she was in the hospital and we were able to bring him with us, she would have more energy and talk to him. She would just light up and seems to happy. I hope to become a grandparent one day. My Mother-in-law is much the same way, and so patient. My mother was so patient and had no problem explaining whatever her asked.

Why do I want to lay in the dark, hide my face, and just cry or sob as I imagine her holding me?

She would say, “Let me tell you something-” and lightly hit my arm as she continued. She would either tell me a life story, a story of a friend or family member, or give her opinion if I asked for it. She never judged me. She would listen and knew what I was trying to do or say even if I didn’t say it right. For me, she used her years of experience and wisdom well.

My Mother though physically short–she was 4ft 8in when she died, she had such a big, wonderful personality. Everyone who met her just liked her.

My siblings and I found this wooden plaque that perfectly fit her: “Sit long. Talk much.”

I will never stop grieving, and that is ok. I know that there will be times where her memory will hurt worse than the initial loss. I know there will be times when I read old emails, see old pictures, or stories she has written that it was make me so happy and laugh. I will never stop missing her. Some days are just better than others; some days are just that much worse. And, to me, that is ok. She was my Mother, my best friend. No one can replace her but I hope that I am at least half the person she was.

Have a wonderful holiday. Stay safe.

The best,
Laili

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