Posted in Challenges, Growing Up, Life, Writing

Confessions of an orphaned daughter

Waking up from weird, violent, sadistic, and disturbing dreams has been getting to me. I don’t know why Strattera has made it for me to finally dream like I used to but I think I might be seriously broken and I don’t know how to handle it.

The dreams I have are “What if’s” and always seem to be so negative, like moving back to where I was and lived previously to find so much has changed that people I knew were my friends completely ignored me! It’s not high school! I do keep dreaming as if I had returned to high school as an adult to redo it better for the grades. I don’t know why and I don’t think that is the point. 

I moved out of my parents how May 13, 2006 to move with my now husband. I admit that I have questioned that move for a long time but we got married and I had my Mom. 

My Mom died December 6, 2011. I became broken-hearted and had never been before, ever! There are dreams where it can be so overwhelming to see and talk to her again that I become so emotionally distraught, I awaken from the  intensity and sometimes I sit there silently cry in the middle of the night on my bed never waking my husband. 

Why? I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. I hate grief. Grief is a life-long disease that may seem to become better over the years and you’ll have mostly great days, but when a bad day comes, it’s like an emotional and mental hurricane ripped you to shreds leaving pieces of your heart vulnerable for all to see and for only you to pick up.

I think yesterday was a bad day. I should probably talk to someone but I don’t know anyone I trust can be truly objective and non-judgement all.

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