I’ve learned recently how difficult it is to be truly vulnerable, to be able to open oneself up to another person giving them complete permission to see you for you: all the broken and damaged pieces, all the injuries that have become scars you’ve survived and hidden away.
It’s not easy. It’s not fair. It’s terrifying. In my case, it’s taken over ten years to be able to be that way to the one person I really want.
I’m thirty years old and I just realized that as much as enjoy people who are capable of having deep, meaningful, and emotional conversations that I don’t want to have them about me, truly about me and my own emotional and mental depths. I stall, change subjects, become passive aggressive, and will anger the other person just to redirect the conversation to something else. Just realized this recently. I didn’t even realize I was doing this until it was pointed out to me.
Trust and communication are the things you need from both people. I know I am afraid to be vulnerable because I’m afraid to be rejected. Honestly, I’ve rarely been betrayed or hurt, but I’ve been rejected by so many people for showing them who I truly am. It’s how I’ve learned I am different but I don’t understand to this day how I am different, I just am.
I am weird. I am fiercely loyal. I trust too easily. I believe humanity is innately good to the core. I don’t know why people become dark, become users, and abuse others, but I know they do. I just know our experiences define us and it is those experiences we can chose to help us and learn from them, or can makes us become someone different than who we thought we were supposed to be.
I am made of various experiences that have scarred me causing me to distrust certain types of people and many experiences that have helped make me who I am today as I attempt to bring myself to who I think God wants me to be.
It’s the same for the people I call friends and family. They are just like our experiences. They, too, can help us or change us. I have a best friend who I met through my son, actually, and we instantly clicked and are so similar in many ways while different in others. We have very different cultural backgrounds. We have different life experiences that have defined us, such as they are a single parent and has been for most of their child’s life. I was lucky enough to have found my now husband and have grown my family in partnership. They cause us to both to live and experience life differently, and yet our core values are the same. They are someone I consider family and try all I can to be there.
I don’t know if I’ve been vulnerable with them. I know I’ve always been honest with them and they’ve never judged me or rejected me, which few people ever have. I guess I’m lucky that way. It’s not easy in this world but it can be done, with effort.