Posted in Family, Life, Writing

Again, I say goodbye

I’ve said goodbye so many times, Mama, when can I stop?
There are days your absence is overwhelming, all consuming, that I just drown in sorrow. Waves upon waves crash over me, engulfing me, pulling me into that dark, oceanic abyss. I try so hard to fight against the current, ignoring the pain and slip into a dreamless slumber. I awaken calm but still tired, get dressed, do my normal morning routine and head to work. The calmness is bitter sweet chocolate on my mind. I try to ignore the date and continue with my day. My co-workers make it easier to ignore the swelling sorrow, talking about everything under the sun and some times even you. I smile as I speak of you, still speaking present tense and correct myself. It’s confusing still. The pain ebbs away as I push you to the edge of my mind for another day.

Weeks pass by, I hardly think of you with little reminder allowing the sorrow to ease away, the wound to heal more and give myself permission to feel happy. Those days are good days. Those days I thank God for all in my life, all who’ve touched my life and all the experiences I’ve had allowing me to accept your passing there. I still smile when I think of my Sister’s wording on your passing, a promotion into the Next World.

It’s gotten easier without you. The heartbreak has lessened. I try had to keep your memory alive within. Live the best I can and enjoy it as I know you would. I try to be strong but allow myself little moments of weakness where no one sees. There are times when it becomes too much and a chosen few do but only those I trust most to accept and not judge. I try to honor your memory the best I can. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never been inspired to do so. I plan to get a tattoo in honor and memory of you. I pray that I can remain strong and grow stronger every day allowing your closeness to God to strengthen me and bring me close to God too.

You, I realize, were a crutch in a way, an impede that I allowed myself to slow my growth, my self-improvement. In a way, I’m glad you’re gone. Your passing has forced me to grow up, to see the inner strength I have which I did not know was there. I am thankful you helped guide me to become this strong, independent, individual thinker. I am thankful that my Siblings, though have much discord between us, are doing well without your physical prescence. You, admittingly, held my Sister and I together. I pray every day that I will one day have my Sister and Brother as my best friends again, positive influences in my life and utterly trusting as well as loving my my family and me. I know one day that will be until then all I can is pray.

Heh, “…I’ll be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence, I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference.”(Robert Frost, “The Road Less Traveled”)