Being with your kids verses without your kids is a VERY important distinction.
Date night is a-must. It is self-care and provides connection with your partner/spouse.
You are a very different person with your kids than you are with your partner or spouse. That is OK and totally acceptable.
Never treat your child like a friend.
Never talk to your child like an adult until they’re an adult, like 17/18+ ; there are other exception than age.
It is permissible…acceptable…expected for you to want to be alone without your spouse/partner and/or without your kids. Self-care is IMPORTANT. If you don’t care of yourself, how are you going to care for others?!
Damn societal expectations and/or norms. Damn them, I say! Do what is best for your family and you. If it works for all of you and everyone is joyful and healthy, who cares about others?!
Self-care is probably the most important thing any parent can do and it is hard. It is so difficult to do/set up a daily time, and figure out what works for you, but self-care is a necessity for everyone, kids too.
Responsibilities suck. No one wants them. Adulting is hard. Parenting is hard. Complaining about it can be healthy, so long as the complaining is done in a healthy manner and not ridding yourself of responsibilities.
Your children mimic what you do, never what you say.
Your children are not here to make you happy or full of joy. Children are hard work, dedication, determination, and completely, selfish assholes. Children will make you feel fulfilled though. It’s a special place in your heart that your children have and nothing can replace or fill.
Parents and children so grow apart. That isn’t bad or good. It just can happen.
Relationships take effort. They take dedication and energy to maintain, even with your kids.
Communication and Emotions
Teaching children to communicate properly and effectively requires the parent to be able to do that first. In my opinion and personal experiences, few parents know how to do that without going through therapy or being a (practicing) psychologist.
I didn’t know how to effectively communicate, let alone understand those around me until I did therapy.
Understand others needs when they aren’t direct and blunt about it is the most challenging thing I have to deal with on a daily basis. That’s ok! It’s just something I have to pay attention to, such as when my husband complains about the kids behaviors. I will ask him if he is ranting or wants recommendations. I can’t tell, especially in text. 😉
There is almost alway subtext.
Someone could be pissed about running out of groceries or laundry never being done but they’re actually upset that their emotional need are not being met. Their emotional need could be that laundry is a way for you to show that you’re hearing them when they ask you to do something, and their concerns are valid and important to you. They could be triggered by empty spaces in the fridge because they grew up poor where that was such a common sight and it meant nothing but dinner that day, no breakfast or lunch. Having a full fridge could be a joy they have left over from childhood trauma and they aren’t ready to deal with it. That’s OK too.
The point is that the parent needs to know how to be a communicator and listener to where you’re not only understood but that you are able to understand the other.
Children do a lot of stupid shit for attention. They make messes and have tantrums because of hunger, because their show isn’t on, because they don’t understand these huge emotions so they go ballistic and it comes out on their behavior. It’s normal. It’s annoying and frustrating and can make you lose your shit but it is to be expected. They don’t know how to handle emotions. The parent has to teach them.
It’s ridiculously difficult being a parent and it is amazingly fulfilling. You raise this child(ren) to go out and be a part of the world, for better or for worse. Children are your imprint as a parent on the world.
The Controlled Kaleidoscope 